The Three R's: Remembering the Best, Restoring Yourself, Rapture
In today's world there are so many wonderful and inspirational
books. There are books filled with stories of Divine intervention,
miracles happening, special positive moments never to be forgotten
and stories of incredible coincidences. They help make us feel
in harmony with the universe. They help us fall asleep and
have pleasant dreams. They often bring tears to our eyes, reinforcing
an inner sense of wisdom that all is right with the world even
when appearances say that is not so.
But there is one thing often missing from these books. It is
the mental and emotional perspiration that we need to go through
as we struggle to live a life of meaning and joy. The inspiration
is there but it's the perspiration that most of us need to
put into our daily lives to create for ourselves lives of enchantment.
Because, enchantment for most of us, i.e., living a life of
joy, a life that reflects many states of well being, again
and again, is hard work.
Certainly we yearn for moments when the right thing happens
at exactly the right time and the world opens up for us, whether
it's a lucky break, meeting the right life partner or winning
the lottery. And we all need at least some of those moments.
But life, in reality, is filled with hundreds and thousands
and probably millions of minutes that are repetitive, boring
or simply ordinary. They involve getting up, brushing our teeth,
driving to work safely, keeping a job, raising children, fighting
off a cold, etc. It is all these times that THE ENCHANTED SELF
focuses on.
These are the moments that can be mundane, depressing, dull
or can be captivating, enlivening and filled with joy.
What is the difference? The difference is usually the perspiration.
I mean the mental and emotional perspiration that is involved
in what I call the three R's of enchantment. Let's look at
the first of the three R's.
The first is REMEMBERING THE BEST AND LETTING GO OF THE REST.
This is a critical component to general well being and a sense
of happiness on a daily basis. Most of us have sustained loss
and experienced pain. Yes, we've been hurt. We've been short-changed
by opportunities or other people. Sometimes we've been stepped
upon, left or forgotten.
If we spend our daily life focusing on these disappointments
then we cannot release the positive energies we need to make
the most of the present moment and to plan for the future.
Grudges, negative thinking, disappointments, and not forgiving
all get in the way of what can be done with the present. We
need our psyche energies to seize opportunities we can take
advantage of. This can't happen, if our energies are used
up ruminating.
Besides, there is beauty in our own story and most, if not
all disappointments we've experienced have strengthened us.
Often, we have even developed talents in coping with hard times
that can reemerge in ways to enhance pleasure and/or help us
be of service to the world. For example, the child that was
neglected or yelled at has an opportunity to be particularly
kind to others as he or she gets older, maybe to teach others
certain parenting skills having known first hand how it feels
on the other side.
How do we take all the moments of life that are often repetitive
and ordinary, and turn them into captivating personal times?
One way is through optimizing our own sense of well being.
This internal state is particularly reactive to our emotional
and physical states of health. For instance, I remember occasions
when good things were about to happen, but I was so overtired
or anxious that I could not appreciate a special day. I also
remember occasions when nothing happened, but because I felt
well rested and truly at peace with myself I enjoyed every
moment.
How do we work on restoring ourselves? How do we gather our
positive energies to be in our own best interest? Certainly
one of the most critical factors is seeing yourself in a positive
light. If I don't truly value myself, I am certainly not going
to take good care of myself. I am more responsive to the criticism
from a negative spouse or parent than my own inner feelings
of self worth. I may not take good care of myself and the results
can be devastating. Over the years I have seen so many clients
who were not thriving because they had internalized negative
comments, criticism and opinions from others. The end result
was that they began to believe the negative perceptions of
themselves and ultimately saw themselves in a poor light.
It is very important to see yourself in a positive light. This
means not putting yourself down and not criticizing yourself.
It means becoming your own best friend. Often taking better
care of yourself becomes essential. For all of us, it is important
to get enough rest, eat well, learn how to sort through the
negative remarks that hurt, not get caught up and lost in the
feelings those remarks engendered, and to value who we really
are and what each of us has to offer the world.
This "R" is extremely difficult and involves a
lot of mental and emotional perspiration. We are vulnerable
to absorbing criticism and negative remarks about ourselves
and actually internalizing them, making them ours. So there
is much work to be done when we start to sift through feelings
that we are less rather than more. We need to think of ourselves
as more, not less.
I remember one client who had struggled to begin think of herself
as more, not less. Her husband was often critical of her and
constantly interruptive. For example when eating out he would
often criticize her and spoil her pleasure by suggesting she
had put on some pounds and might not want to order a particular
item. Around the house he would barge into a room and interrupt
her telephone conversation or television show. He would then
bring up a subject in which she was presented as the culprit.
It was a wonderful day in her life when she was simply able
to say when her husband interrupted her, "I am leaving
the house for a few hours. I hope upon my return your mood
will be better and you will be treating me more appropriately." She
then took the car keys and went to visit a friend. When she
came back he was pleasant and in a totally different state.
Although this was only part of the correction between them,
it was a momentous moment in giving her a sense that not only
must she think of herself as more, not less, but she also must
have the courage to take positive appropriate action.
Rapture is a strong, full word that incorporates a capacity
for joy that affects us in our own mind, body and spirit. It
is a feeling of being in harmony in a euphoric or an ecstatic
way with others or the universe at large. Obviously, we don't
go around in a state of rapture all the time. To experience
even states of well being on a regular basis involves tremendous
daily practice. Yet, if we work and we perspire, mentally,
emotionally, socially we will be rewarded. How? For one thing,
the positive actions we take in our lives are pleasing to us
and good for us.
In my new book RECIPES FOR ENCHANTMENT, The Secret Ingredient
is YOU!, I talk about so many occasions when people took positive
actions and then had the pleasant rewarding experience of positive
feelings. These positive feelings varied from person to person
yet included the whole spectrum of well being, including joyousness,
contentment, satisfaction, pleasure and on occasion, rapture.
In my book I share a reverie that I had one night. I imagined
all of my friends and loved ones and then strangers from around
the world coming together in big circles dancing in the moonlight.
We danced until dawn in my reverie. There was a sense of euphoria
that built leading to me to experiencing great joy and even
rapture as I indulged in my visualization. I share this one
with you because it points out that positive actions can take
the form of positive thoughts! Often we dismiss our inner life.
I think it's important to document that our inner life is
a very real place where we practice many of the states of well
being that ultimately take shape through expression in the
real world.
Although I have not danced through the night in the moonlight
with hundreds of thousands of people, the feelings I had in
that reverie certainly translate into many of the positive
actions that I take in sharing THE ENCHANTED SELF message.
As a matter of fact, without my inner life, I doubt there would
be the energy to bring these teachings to others.
Yes, obviously in this discussion we are moving toward the
spiritual. Ultimately, the positive energies that we have to
give the world require mind, body and spirit. And so you see
that enchantment is all about putting the meat in your soul's
soup. It is about the muscle that goes with living a life of
joy. Perspiration, daily practice, and daily routines that
enhance the possibilities of living a life of enchantment,
are all of hard work.
Just
remember though, before you get discouraged, it is even harder to live
a miserable life. We pay for misery in so many ways. We pay for it in
feeling fatigued and feeling that we don't have real purpose. We feel
inside that there's a hole in our hearts or that we have missed the
boat. We can feel aggravated, tense, fed up. We can feel that the future
will be as miserable as the past. We can feel that we are ordinary rather
than extraordinary. We can pay for a negative attitude with more physical
and emotional illness so that the perspiration pours off of us in a different
way.
I think it's smarter, since life is a struggle and designed so that we work
at whatever we're doing, that we practice enchantment and enjoy the perspiration
and inspiration that goes with the practice. So promise yourself to take the
JOYRIDE OF YOUR LIFE!
Dr.
Barbara Becker Holstein , originator of THE ENCHANTED SELF∆, a
method of bringing delight and meaning into everyday living, invites
you to view her new line of ENCHANTED WOMAN products, downloadable e-books,
and free gifts at http://www.enchantedself.com. Chat with others in Dr.
Holstein's e-group, http://groups.yahoo.com/group/encself/join,
and sign up for her free e-group at www.enchantedself.com. Order her book, THE
ENCHANTED SELF: A Positive Therapy, or the CD-rom or tape version
and her book RECIPES FOR ENCHANTMENT: The Secret Ingredient is
YOU!, or
the ED-rom
version, at http://www.enchantedself.com/ordering.htm
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