In my work as a professional coach, IÌve had the opportunity
to interact with hundreds of individuals. IÌve found that
people who are both successful and fulfilled share three common
characteristics.
Do
you have a vision of your ideal self? Do you know what she looks
like, or what sheÌs capable of? Have you considered how
this woman interacts with others, or how she approaches each day?
If you havenÌt, you may not be living your life as fully
or constructively as you could be.
The quality of your life is predicated by the manner in which
you participate in it. Your participation is based on who you
believe you are. Unquestionably, you have beliefs about who you
are, even if youÌve never consciously considered them.
Today, I challenge you to examine and expand on these beliefs.
I challenge you to develop not only an understanding of the woman
you are today, but a solid vision of the woman you most dream
of being.
Your Ideal Self
In order to create an ideal reality, you must develop a vision.
A vision is an idea about how youÌd like the future to be.
It is a clear picture of what youÌd like to create. An inspiring
vision can be a source of motivation. It can support you through
the challenge of taking the consistent actions necessary to make
your dreams come true.
An ideal is a principle or standard that is worth trying to achieve.
Your ideal self is the woman that youÌve always imagined
being. She encompasses all of the power, strength, beauty, integrity,
and kindness that youÌve ever been inspired by. She invokes
a sense of confidence, pride, and serenity. She is you, at your
best, and she is waiting for you to invite her into your day to
day reality.
There are three steps involved in defining this amazing woman.
First, you must connect with the qualities or character traits
that guide her behavior. Once youÌve defined these individual
characteristics, you need to identify the behavioral standards
that she holds herself to. Finally, you must decide that you are
going to show up in your life acting Ïas ifÓ you are
already this woman. LetÌs move through each step.
Your Character Traits
How would you like another person to describe you? Would you wish
for them to say that you are warm and friendly, creative and interesting,
intelligent and capable, or loving and nurturing? Would you be
upset to hear someone describe you as difficult, moody, or impatient?
Our individual characteristics are the building blocks of our
personalities. They either contribute to or contaminate the quality
of interaction we have with the rest of the world.All of us possess
both positive and negative characteristics. It is important to
identify both the characteristics that you want to embrace, and
the less advantageous characteristics that you wish to moderate,
as you develop your vision of the woman that youÌre committed
to being.
In the Call to Action activity below,
IÌm going to ask you to make a list of the positive traits
that youÌd like to incorporate in your vision of your ideal
self, and the negative tendencies that youÌd like to manage.
In my work with clients, IÌve found the following approaches
helpful in defining these qualities.
Other PeopleÌs Traits
The qualities that we notice in others have meaning. Both the
qualities that you admire, and the qualities that you dislike
have stories to tell. There is a school of thought in Self Help,
which suggests that the qualities we most respond to in another,
whether positive or negative, are qualities that we possess, but
have yet to recognize in ourselves.
If you find yourself responding to a woman you recognize as outgoing,
positive, and energetic, these may be qualities that you possess,
but have not fully embraced or developed yet. In kind, if you
react to the overbearing nature of another individual, you may
need to recognize (and manage) your own tendency to be overbearing.
The Traits of Our Past
We have all experienced moments in which we shined. At one time
in your life, you may have accomplished something extraordinary,
or felt wonderful about your physical appearance. You could have
experienced a tremendous sense of pride as a result of persevering
through a difficult situation, or been touched by your ability
to contribute to another personÌs life in a meaningful way.
It is at these times that you were applying the positive character
traits that you naturally possess.
Conversely, we have all had an experience or two that filled us
with regret. Perhaps you gossiped about another person, hurting
their feelings when your words got back to them. You may have
spoken harshly to someone you care for, or been impatient when
acting with understanding would have been a better approach to
take. It is in these moments that your negative character traits
were rearing their ÏfunÓ little heads.
Once youÌve clearly defined the building blocks of your
behavior, youÌre ready to consider the way that youÌd
like to show up in your life.
Your Code of Conduct
IÌm not suggesting that you move into life with the persona
of Pollyanna, always positive and constructive, never having a
bad day. I am suggesting that you consciously develop a set of
standards that govern how you are committed to behaving. In coaching,
we refer to this as a code of conduct.
Your code of conduct defines how you will or wonÌt behave.
Will you gossip about a friend or co-worker behind her back? Will
you tell a lie? Will you yell at a store clerk because youÌre
frustrated about something else thatÌs going on in your
life?
Will you be open to new experiences? Will you let the people you
love know how much they matter to you? Will you stretch yourself
to continually learn new things? Will you commit to contributing
to your community in some small way? Will you give 100% to whatever
you dedicate yourself to?These are the behaviors that will determine
how other people experience you, and how you experience life.
What standards of behavior are you willing to hold yourself to?
What commitments are you willing to make about how you will conduct
yourself?
Act As If
Change does not happen over night, but it can be conditioned over
time. Once youÌve completed this chapterÌs Call
to Action activities, you will have completed the
first step in your process. You will have defined your ideal self,
and you will have developed a code of conduct that guides your
behavior.
The next step in your process requires that you begin to live
as the woman youÌve just envisioned. Your opportunity to
be this woman lives in every moment of your life. Take baby steps.
Each morning, remind yourself about the woman you want to be,
and reconnect with that vision whenever you begin to slip back
into old patterns of behavior.
Allow yourself to make mistakes. You will, and thatÌs okay.
The commitment youÌve made to these new standards will gradually
meld into the beliefs you hold about who you are. Soon, you wonÌt
be reminding yourself that youÌre a nurturing woman; youÌll
be one. You wonÌt be managing your impatience; you will
have become more patient.
It will happen slowly, but it will happen. Take baby steps. You
are walking a new road. Put one foot in front of the other, pace
yourself, and stay connected to your ideal.
Call to Action
1. Define your character traits. What are the empowering traits
youÌve noticed in yourself or admired in others? What disempowering
characteristics have you recognized in yourself, or reacted to
in others?
2. Develop your code of conduct. What standards are you willing
to set for yourself? How are you committed to behaving? What behaviors
have you decided are not acceptable?
3. When will you begin living as this woman? Are you ready to
begin Ïacting as ifÓ?
Article reprinted with permission.
This material is excerpted from Self Care for
SuperWomen, written by Kimberly Fulcher. Copyright 2003.
All rights reserved.
About the author: Kimberly Fulcher is a professional
coach, author and speaker, with twelve years of experience in human
development. Her professional experience includes the co-founding and
$ 38 million dollar sale of SkillsVillage.com, and her leadership of a
leading Silicon Valley consulting firm, where she grew revenues from
$3M to $25M in four short years. Kimberly sits on the board of
directors for The Silicon Valley Coach Federation, and actively
supports non-profit organizations that benefit underprivileged women
and primary education initiatives. Kimberly offers group and
individual coaching programs, speaks throughout The United States, and
will publish her first book in 2004. Kimberly can be reached via her
website at www.compasslifedesigns.com or by email at
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