 Author of the book Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy
Charles left her, just left altogether with no satisfactory explanation. Just announced, after six months of a hot-house infatuation that had swept her off her feet, “Sorry, Miranda, this isn’t working” -- said it not even kindly, at that -- and said he wanted out. He wasn’t interested in hearing why Miranda thought that in fact it was working; that it was a relationship and relationships needed a little working out now and again. No, he didn’t want to hear it. For him, it was the end. Discussion over.
And he never came back.
It always seems unthinkable, this scenario in which a lover not only leaves, but leaves abruptly; runs you over like a train, as if whatever you had together was a meaningless diversion and you, well, you were just something to be left on the side of the curb like roadkill. In all my years of writing about love, this form of goodbye is the one that draws the most letters from readers.
Or maybe you weren’t dumped by a Hit & Run lover but are limping
along with someone I call The Visitor -- a man who comes and goes at
whim and cannot commit to anything other than a measly, “Hey, so, maybe
we’ll get together a week from Tuesday, if I don’t have to work and if
my mother isn’t coming into town? Or maybe another night that week,
maybe? Or something? Whatever.” He’s someone who ascends on you for
food, drink, sex -- and may or may not stop by again sometime soon, as
if you were the owner of a Bed & Breakfast, and you run a good
enough establishment for him to return sometime to be served and
nurtured again, but only at his leisure.
How do you ever find closure when you’ve been decimated by a Hit &
Run? How do you find love with a Visitor who can’t even commit to a
definite date? How do you, a 21st century woman, busy and happy and
self-sufficient and more successful than women ever were before,
extract love and commitment from a 20th century man? For yes, these men
-- I call them Drama Kings because they’re solo performers, one-man
shows who still long for an ancient, man-centric universe -- still
think the world revolves around them. They still think women are put on
earth to please them -- but haven’t the talent nor the inclination to
return the favor.
How do you cut your losses? I’ll tell you how. You pick yourself up,
dust yourself off, and start all over again. You remind yourself that
you’re lucky to get out. That these guys are exhausting and will always
drain you dry. You are too busy, and much too evolved, for this
nonsense.
You do not call the Hit & Run lover on his cell phone to locate
him, nor to find out why you were so unceremoniously dumped. (You’ll
only be humiliated over again. You’ll only hear the most chilling
replies -- “Oh, it’s you. Um, yeah I know I left you on the side of the
road, but I’m busy.” Or, “No, I really don’t want to talk about it.”)
You do not try to make a Visitor become a grown-up man who can commit
to something more than a “Whatever.” You remember one thing, and one
thing only: You do not NEED this man. You have a roof over your head.
You are a smart, darling, self-sufficient, loving woman who wants a
smart, darling loving man. He is out there, but this one is not the
one.
When you’re hurt by a Drama King -- of which The Hit & Run and the
Visitor are but two of five types -- you’ve been hurt by a man who
doesn’t care how he behaves. Who doesn’t care to become deeply
attached. Like a skilled performer, he only pretended he wanted a
relationship, pretended he was fit for love, but in the end, sabotaged
them both.
So before we focus on your heartbreak, I want to remind you: Why do you
always feel exhausted with Drama Kings? Because they sap your energy.
Why do you always feel lonely in your relationship with them? Because
they refuse to get close. Why do you always feel anxious and sort of
weirdly needy? Because my friend, they aren’t giving you what you need.
And never will.
So do not idealize him, and do not blame yourself. You escaped! You
avoided spending more time with a love fraud! I once spoke with a woman
who’d been dumped as unceremoniously as Miranda was, and listened to
her litany of self-blame -- she’d “wasted years of my life” with this
man; she’d “made a mess” of the relationship, she “should have known it
wouldn’t work out.” Awash in misery, I couldn’t get her to rejoice in
the fact that she had a chance, now, to find a man able and willing to
love her back.
Today, though, I find women recovering quickly and not beating
themselves up. Best of all -- I find them saying they feel better than
they did before they wrestled with their Drama Kings! The hundreds of
women I’ve spoken with over the years do NOT stay permanently depleted
by these guys: In fact, post-Drama King, strong women only get
stronger. They seem to have developed steadily, cumulatively, through
their relationships with Drama Kings -- no matter how long it lasted or
how dramatically it ended. It’s as if the adult woman’s self grows more
resilient, more durable -- stronger -- through even the knottiest,
nuttiest relationships -- just as a child’s self grows. Kids get
through developmental difficulties by working through issues of
attachment -- and so, I believe, do adults. It’s as though the
developing personality is like kindling, needing to rub against another
personality in order to create the spark that ignites the ever-growing
self. That’s why you will move on from your Drama King ready for love
sooner than you think -- growing ever more proficient at finding a man
who’s able to share center stage; and able to love you back.
Avoiding a Drama King in the future requires holding on to the sense
memory of what it feels like to be with one. You have to know your
responses, and pay attention to them. That’s why I always ask women, Do
you feel exhausted when you’re around him? Lonely? Do you feel as if
you’re banging your head against the wall whenever you try to have a
discussion? You must remember these questions, and any "yes" answers,
because they’re specifically associated with Drama Kings.
One more thing: When you begin to feel sad all over again, and tempted
to play the self-blame game, keep this in mind. An involvement so
important that you wanted it to last forever is not a “waste of time”
because it did not. Few relationships last forever, and the criteria
for success have to reflect the realities of the 21st century. That
year-long relationship with the guy you loved in college; that fabulous
sex you had with the adorable cameraman from L.A. at your first job;
those three days we won’t talk about with someone you shouldn’t have
been with -- they matter, all of them. They not only familiarized you
with different kinds of love, but different aspects of yourself in
love. Most important, they told you an infinite amount about what you
were working through at the time; what was irresistible to you and what
was problematic; what developmental issues you were grappling with and
what qualities you were searching for and trying to develop in
yourself. As I said before, these relationships are what made you who
you are today; they made you strong. They gave you self-knowledge. And
they prepared you for a deeper, more intimate, love.
We must never, ever, devalue our effort at making love work -- to say
things like, “All that work for nothing,” or “I gave him the best years
of my life,” as if time alone were the measure of love. We must respect
the effort and the time we put in. The measure of love is your capacity
to offer it openly, and to have the intimacy skills necessary to have
the connection that you crave -- and a man’s ability to do the same.
Most men have the same capacity.
I think that our attraction to Drama Kings, those men who haven’t
caught up with us yet, men who have rigid, outdated views of love and
life, may be hardwired, a built-in responsiveness to different types of
familiar, traditional, masculine stereotypes. We can only move past our
training by grappling with one or two. And we all do. And we all wind
up exhausted and lonely and wishing we could find someone else, someone
who is able to love. And then, stronger, more clearly focused, we move
on.
There are fabulous 21st century men out there who know that love isn’t
solely a woman’s job. They have learned intimacy skills. They know that
21st century women are very happy to please them, but that the pleasure
must be returned -- that women want to be pleased, too. They know, too,
that the days of standing by your man no matter what are over.
Copyright © 2005 Dalma Heyn
Dalma Heyn earned her MSW degree at New York University. Her earlier
bestsellers, The Erotic Silence of the American Wife and Marriage
Shock, have been published in 24 countries, excerpted in publications
all over the world, and hailed by reviewers as "revolutionary,"
"extremely important," and "a deeply provocative breath of fresh air."
She lives with her husband in Westport, Connecticut
For more information, please visit www.dalmaheyn.net. |
