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Managing "Pre-Engagement Limbo" |
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Articles, How-To's and Interviews -
Spirit and Spa
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Written by Andrea Passman Candell
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For the woman who wants to tie the knot
Tracking friends' engagements? Feeling that the only wedding not booked
this summer is your own? Thinking that sending out save-the-date cards
looks popular for everyone else? All this makes you wonder what in the
world is keeping your long-term beau frozen at the knee. It probably
doesn't end there either. Spinning thoughts of "what does she have that
makes that guy want to marry her" whenever you hear the news of a
recent proposal and feelings of rejection because your guy is still not
ready, plays a number on self-esteem.
The story of a woman who wants to get married before her boyfriend is a
familiar one. And, the only rock in this saga is the "rockiness" in the
relationship - not one on her finger. For women faced with the stress
of "pre-engagement limbo," following are a few tips on how to handle
the dreaded waiting - so that limbo doesn't take over the relationship
and damage self esteem.
Honest and open communication is key:
Many women say they can't help themselves from constantly dropping
hints about the "M" word. This only catches him off guard and rather
than getting the answers you're looking for, you get a "Can we talk
about it later?" If you think an engagement proposal is long overdue,
plan a time to talk about the next phase of your relationship. Have an
open and honest conversation. To fully understand where he is with a
marriage commitment, share feelings, expectations, fears, and hopes
about marriage. It's okay to get right to the heart of it. Getting
engaged is about both of you.
Don't let "expectation downers" get the best of you:
When the two of you arrive at a vacation spot and you can't enjoy
yourself because you're distracted from wondering if there's a ring in
his duffle, center yourself to stay in the here and now. It is presence
that enables us to not miss out on what is actually happening in the
moment. Getting engaged isn't the only special event that will be
between the two of you - don't miss the other ones.
Understand the "Bigger, Better Deal" - so you don't take it personally:
When a man is about to tie the knot, it's common for him to obsess
over, "What if there's someone else out there more perfect for me?"
"What if I miss my chance for the more perfect relationship?" This
actually has nothing to do with how he feels about his girlfriend or
about how much he loves her. It is about his own process of coming to
terms with reality vs. fantasy.
Hesitancy does not necessarily mean rejection:
The reason men dodge the "M" word usually has little to do with his
girlfriend personally, and instead has to do with his own struggle from
feelings about change, ideals of perfection, and fears of the unknown.
All of this can keep in a fear of walking down the aisle.
Women see marriage as a beginning and men may see it as an end.
While men are constantly evaluating the opportunity cost, women are
excited about the opportunity gain.
Recognizing and understanding that "pre-engagement limbo" is an actual
relationship passage in itself will help you go through it together as
a couple, instead of cause you to bicker every time you receive a
wedding invitation in the mail.
Everyone moves towards marriage at their own pace. And, although there
comes a point when one has to decide when enough is enough - a healthy,
loving relationship isn't determined by how quickly he proposes.
When you get the dreaded questions, "When are you two getting
married?" or the "What's taking him so long?" understand that just
because youĞre ready to get engaged before he is, does not necessarily
reflect anything about you directly. It is simply a reflection of where
he is in his life with making a marriage commitment. So, next time
someone asks the when's and why "knots," don't let it go to the heart
of your self-esteem.
About the Author: Andrea Passman Candell, M.A. is a relationship coach
and founder of hiscoldfeet.com, the official website "for the woman who
wants to tie the knot with the guy who wants to talk about it later."
She has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Boston Herald,
Women's Health and Fitness, and other publications. Andrea can be
reached via email at
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