Julie Shields: Dear Kath: The Mommy Trap occurs whenever women think they have to give everything to the family and don't realize that other options exist that would benefit their families as well as themselves. It is an "equal opportunity affliction" which can affect both stay-at-home and working moms alike.

Sally ~ Dear Julie, How do you not feel guilty by putting your needs in front of your children? I'm part of an AP philosophy group and the number 1 rule seems to be putting the child's needs ahead of yours. How do you balance?

Julie Shields: Dear Sally: This is an interesting question. First, with respect to feeling guilty, many moms will feel guilty the first time they take time for themselves instead of the family. That's the Mommy Trap feeling that we should always be nurturing, cleaning, cooking, planning, and present, at all times. But just because we've internalized that "should" doesn't mean it's right or benefits our families or ourselves in the long run.

As far as putting your needs ahead of your children's, I wouldn't counsel doing that. Good parenting involves putting your children's needs first, particularly in the first few months and years. But it doesn't involve forgetting all of your own needs, as too often happens. In that case, you don't end up serving anybody's needs because you end up burnt out, exhausted, frustrated, and maybe resentful.
To achieve a functional balance, it helps to devise a system for identifying when you fall into a stereotypical response rather than doing something because you want to or it must be done (by you), and also to identify what is actually a need of your child. Allowing fathers some space and time to parent is a great way to get some balance because that way you can meet your child's needs and get a break. Finally, try to remember that you have your own needs and think about what they are and how you can achieve them.
Incidentally, this approach does not contradict the theory of attachment parenting (although many practice it differently!). As contemplated by Sears and Sears in "Parenting The Fussy Baby and High-Need Child," attachment parenting encompasses learning how to "respond appropriately to their child's needs, which includes knowing when to say no to the child and helping the child learn to manage her own needs." Sears and Sears also recommend that parents consider their own needs. And finally, to quote Dr. Spock, "you know more than you think you do." No theory is perfect and if it tells you to do something you don't think is right, try your way first. You're probably right.

Mistie ~ Dear Julie, I've been in the mommy trap since day 1. My husband and I are having problems and I think it's because I don't ask for his input or support in raising our son at all. I am definitely going to get your book and hopefully work on a solution. I'm stressed out all the time because I feel like a single mother and everything must go my way! I need to relinquish some control but habits are hard to break. Thank you!

Julie Shields: Dear Mistie, Most of us fall into the Mommy Trap on day 1 if not before. Those that I interviewed that avoided the Mommy Trap got their husbands involved from day 1 if not before! It sounds like you have taken the first step towards fixing the problem, which is identifying it. It can seem normal or natural to do too much and have all these wonderful standards about how everything should be performed, but that doesn't mean it's the best or only way to do things. It's also important to remember that men do better and do more when you treat them like full partners, with profit-sharing status, as opposed to trying to delegate grunt work and not giving up any of those great parenting payoffs. While many men don't articulate their anger and frustration at being excluded and losing their marital relationship as well, their feelings of being pushed out can harm a marriage.
The best way to get fathers involved is to leave and let Dad have some alone time, without any instruction. Then say thank you, even if he hasn't met your standards. That's unless he truly endangers your child; in that case, you must speak out! It's hard to hold your tongue, but ultimately very rewarding. Even to this day, I cannot always stop myself from yelling some advice or information out to my husband if I am downstairs reading in the living room and he is giving our daughters a bath (this has always been his job). However, our daughters definitely benefit from not having to adhere to my routine and standards all the time, my husband gets to have a close and important relationship with his children, and I get to do other things. Good luck with your endeavor; I wish you less stress in the future and promise you will be able to relax if you take the steps outlined above.

Lara ~ Dear Julie, I'm glad for the opportunity to talk to you about an issue that plagues almost all mothers. I agree that we probably fall into the mommy trap before our children are even born. Sharing duties and balancing responsibilities is such an easy concept but harder to follow through with in reality. My husband and I have fallen into certain 'rolls' and I hate that I'm the enforcer and he's the *fun one*. It's caused many fights in our family.

Julie Shields: Dear Lara, In interviewing couples who had avoided the Mommy Trap, I found that it was surprisingly easy for many of them to achieve that seemingly elusive state of sharing duties and balancing responsibilities. When I looked closer, I saw that they had structured their lives so that it could happen. When both parents have solo responsibility for planning out and carrying through with a playdate, day, weekend, or even week, things go better and many differences of opinion disappear. Parents start to have dialogues about how to deal with the inevitable parenting struggles that arise, and tend to agree more often as a result of both experiencing the consequences of too much fun and not enough rules. Some parenting differences result from personality and even gender, but a lot evolve because of time on the job. A parent that has had to put children to bed after a lot of roughhousing and candy will not make bedtime so much fun the next time.
But you must consciously set up your life so that your husband can realize this himself. The more you talk and explain the less likely men are to listen. It's just like any other type of learning, which generally involves doing a task before you can master or even understand it. I hope this helps; many families including my own, have found this a tricky area.

Tricia ~ Dear Julie, I am guessing that there are core personality types that fall into the Mommy Trap pretty easily - I know that my husband is more than helpful, but I feel guilty asking him to do stuff. We both work full-time but I do way more around the house and with our son...When he does do something I am overly grateful and guilty at the same time. I also feel too guilty to ask anyone else for help or to babysit - like I need to be able to do it all... What three things can one do TODAY to help herself find a way out of this trap?

Julie Shields: Dear Tricia, Personality issues come into play in extreme cases, but it is rare to find a working mom that doesnĖt fall into the Mommy Trap on occasion. And this often occurs because of feeling guilty, as you mentioned. Our society is ambivalent about what mothers should do and what children need and feelings of panic, worry, and guilt can regularly hit working moms.

Sometimes guilt arises because the caregiving or education arrangement you have set up feels less than optimal or you believe that your jobs donĖt provide your child (and house!) with enough time. So the first step is to take an inventory of everything in your family and personal life and see what works and what doesnĖt, what most needs to change, and what is most easy to change. You also need to understand why you do so much more of the family work when your husband wants to help and why you feel overly grateful and also guilty when he does pitch in. To that end, look at your own background and expectations of what mothers and fathers should do and what you liked about your parentsĖ approach, what you didnĖt, and what you may have unconsciously adopted from your culture or community as an expectation or standard. Then examine these expectations and beliefs and see whether you agree with them. Also think about your husbandĖs experience and talk about it with him. The third step: give one chore or time period or responsibility away. Pay someone to fold the laundry or babysit on the weekend if only for an hour or two, or let you husband take on a chore or the evening or morning routine. Something. Anything. And of course do say thank you, but you donĖt need to be overly grateful. This is just the beginning. As you can see, all these steps involve self-analysis, and becoming more conscious about why you do what you do when you do it. By taking active control of your choices, you can find a better family and personal balance.

Tina ~ Dear Julie, My question is how do people change when the situation has been the same for years? I have two boys, ages 5 and 8, and my husband works anywhere from 45-60 hours a week. When he is home, he's watching TV, playing video games and just generally not helping out at all. I feel like I have to do everything - childcare, housekeeping, everything. So what do I do? How do I change this? I don't even know if my husband wants to be more involved. He loves the kids, but I don't think he wants to do any of the "women's" work. Thanks.

Julie Shields: Dear Tina, Good question. Working 60 hours a week doesnĖt leave much if any time to be with your sons during the week. Being very forward, I would ask him to take over sometimes when he is home during the week (shouldnĖt be for very long as they will need to sleep too!) and/or to take on some responsibility on the weekend. But do not make an accusation as this has been going on for a long time and you may not have ever directly or seriously indicated any discomfort with at your arrangement. If you make a clear request for a discrete amount of time, your husband will likely comply. For example, when your husbandĖs job is not as busy, you might ask him to come home early one night a week or to take the morning routine one day a week, so you can get a break. And down the road you could even consider flexible working arrangements or a new job that would give your family more time.

Though this may sound impossible; once you get your foot in the door and your husband gets a taste of the fun of being with the boys, the flow of things will start to change. Given your sonsĖ ages, this might be a great time for your husband to get involved in some activities with just the boys. For example, although we have two daughters and I am fairly athletic, my husband takes the lead in swimming, ice skating, working in the garden, and hiking. Many Dads get involved with baseball, soccer, etc., and there must be some type of activity or homework that Dad is better at or more suited to than you are. That will be the easy part, and all the boys will love it.

The idea of ÏwomenĖs workÓ presents more difficulty. I would refer you to my answer above to Tricia for a start. You need to look at your own assumptions, and your husbandĖs and begin talking to each other about them. I definitely recommend finding out what your husband wants or would like to do. What is ÏwomenĖs workÓ anyway? The couples I interviewed for my book that avoided the Mommy Trap divide responsibilities according to whoever has the time, talent, and interest to do them, and they find a fair or mutually agreeable way to parcel out the rest. You need to create a framework for how you decide to structure your life rather than allowing stereotypes to do it for you. ThatĖs unless you totally buy into the old womenĖs work/menĖs work distinction. But it sounds like you are questioning part of it, and so you might want to think about customizing your roles. Anything is possible; and at this point in time, itĖs in womenĖs hands to make it happen!

Marissa ~ Dear Julie, As a single mom, how can I find a way out of the mommy trap? Sometimes I take the attitude of "she's mine, and I have to take care of her", and sometimes, even those around me act like this or take me on a guilt trip whenever I try to find time for myself...it's like: you work during the week and so you HAVE to be with the child during the weekends. I am, and I love it, but sometimes, I wish I could sneak a couple of hours to watch a movie or go to the hairdresser without her.

Julie Shields: Dear Marissa, This is a question that has begun to plague me. My book and research focused on sharing parenting and the benefits of getting Dads more involved and I didnĖt really look into the life of the single mom. I am thinking about starting a new project (ÏHow To Avoid The Single and Divorced Mommy TrapÓ?) But in the meantime, I would say that just as a happy and occasionally refreshed married mom will generally be better able to help children to be happy, a happy and occasionally refreshed single mom will generally be better able to help children to be happy and develop well. The attitudes of others that Mom should do everything may well be worse towards single moms and thatĖs very unfortunate because they donĖt have the built in support system that a husband can provide. Ignore them if you can; you know youĖre doing your best and you must address at least some of your personal needs. IĖm not sure how old your daughter is, but if you have a friend or relative that you trust who has children, consider swapping on occasion so that the kids can play together and that way both moms can relax on occasion. While it might sometimes seem that everybody else is doing mom and dad stuff during the weekend, thatĖs not true; many moms -- whether working, single, married, or stay-at-home -- are pulling the weekend load as well. If you can swing a night-time babysitter, by all means go to the movies, or to dinner with a friend. I know many single moms who do that. One very enterprising young widow hired a male au pair from Poland so that she could get a break, have help with light-bulbs and that sort of thing, and give her two boys a male role model. In the long run it will make your daughter feel more secure to know that she can rely on someone in addition to mom, and as long as you choose the time judiciously and are refreshed by it, taking time to yourself will only do good.

Jen ~ Dear Julie, My husband is very supportive of my (our) decision for me to stay home and raise our daughter. He also does as much as he can, given his workload, to help me out. My question is this: What advice can you offer to moms, and dads, to help them raise children who will see child-rearing as something that both parents do and share in equally, when one parent is doing more of the parenting, time-wise? As it stands right now, my daughter sees me more in terms of sheer number of hours spent together, but I don't want her to grow up thinking that mommies do all the parenting while daddies do all the working. She does see me helping to run DivaTribe and tutoring from our home, so I feel like I do what I can to show her that women can be good moms and still do more. Thank you, Julie.

Julie Shields: Dear Jen, If the goal, is for your children to see child-rearing as something that both parents do and share in equally, you need to model that for them. That can work with an at-home parent only if Dad takes on all the family responsibilities when he is home, and makes a large effort to get home as much as he can. However, as long as your husband takes on some of the household duties and childcare, your daughter is seeing a model of an involved Dad. Since you are also modeling a committed mom who finds time for other valuable and non-family related activities, it sounds like you are on your way to raising children who will have a flexible mindset about what Dads and Moms can and should do.

However, if this is an important area for you, as I know it is for many parents, especially those of daughters, you could make a conscious effort to show your daughter both your husband and you taking on different roles, and others as well. Go away for a weekend every once in a while and let your husband do everything in the house during that time. Also, leave no instructions; donĖt baby him because that sends everybody a message that he is inferior in those areas. Think about why you do certain tasks and your husband does others. Perhaps there are some you do because you think theyĖre a momĖs jobs that he might be able to do just as well, or anyway do instead of you. Also consider others around you; talk about any at-home or involved dads that you know and introduce your daughter to the idea that women can work at various professions too. For example, one at-home father I know took his daughter to meet a female mechanic and now they regularly visit with her. Despite all of the above, I wouldnĖt sweat it too much. Everything doesnĖt have to be 50/50. The most important thing is that a working Dad respect his wifeĖs ÏjobÓ and existence, and regularly take care of his children alone, and the rest will come.

Wanda ~ Dear Julie, this question is actually for a friend of mine. We used to be really close and then she and her husband had a baby about 9 months ago. Since then I NEVER see her. She never has time to go out or grab lunch and it seems like her whole life is centralized her child. Her husband offers her no help at all and still continues to go out with his buddies all the time and even weekend trips. I will suggest your book to her but every time we try to talk to her about it she claims she's fine and it's her duty to be with the baby.

Julie Shields: Dear Wanda, You describe a common phenomenon. Often when people ask me how they can tell if they might be in the Mommy Trap, I tell them to think about what their friends might think. Your friends always know. If a Mom doesnĖt seem to care that sheĖs drifted far away from her old friends because her husband has a social life and she gave up on hers, she may be in denial about the situation. A general conversation about the idea of Ïthe Mommy TrapÓ or the book -- rather than what may seem like a personal accusation -- might help start a discussion with your friend about why she does what she does. You might tell her how left out you feel and how much you miss her and what you used to share, and that you value her as a friend as well as a mother. You could make plans for a special night and insist that your friend come out and either leave the baby with her husband or get a babysitter. But, ultimately, as with more serious conditions such as alcoholism, this is her problem and she may choose to continue as she is, even if it harms her. Do what you can and then donĖt write her off. Somewhere down the road, she may need your help!

Tanya ~ Dear Julie, I'm another single mom here. I read your reply to the other single mom and just wanted to encourage you to go forward with a project dealing with moms like us. It's hard enough to be a single mom without all the pressure we put on ourselves to "prove" that we can do it all. I think all moms need breaks once in a while, whether they're single or not, working or not. So I don't actually have a question for you, but I wanted to thank you for your work and tell you that I would love to see a book from you dealing with single and divorced moms. Tanya

Julie Shields: Dear Tanya, Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I appreciate it and am glad to know that you think it worthwhile to pursue. Please feel free to contact me at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it and give me your insights on the topic, and let me know of any single moms whose methods you particularly admire. Best, Julie

StarGirl ~ Dear Julie, I'm a fairly new mom (my son is about 8 months old). I'm actually still very unwilling to leave him with anyone. I just don't want to. Is that normal? My fiancee is wonderful about caring for him and all, and I trust him completely. Relatives and friends keep offering to babysit so we can get away, just the two of us, but I just don't feel the need for that. I really don't. I guess my question is this: is there a certain point when I should make myself hand over some of the parenting so that I don't get myself backed into a corner that I don't want to be in? For now, I'm very happy being the primary care-giver, the one who does all the nighttime feeding (I'm still nursing) and almost everything else. But I don't want to set myself up so that everyone else thinks that I'm always going to do it all. Even though right now I'm happy to do just about all of it! Does this make any sense, lol! Thank you, Shayna

Julie Shields: Dear StarGirl, ÏNormalÓ is hard to define. However, it is unusual not to feel a need to occasionally get away from your child, or to want to spend some couple time with your partner. It is natural to feel trepidation at leaving your infant with somebody else but if you are lucky enough to have volunteer support that is trustworthy, you should use it! You and your fiancee might go out to dinner when your son has gone to sleep for the night or you could even go to the grocery store or lunch with a friend during nap time.

As to the second question, yes, definitely you are at the point where you should make yourself hand over some of the parenting. Yes, you may be putting yourself in a situation you later will not like. You also may be unintentionally depriving your partner of experiencing one of the most important relationships he will ever have, or driving a wedge between you and him. And, in the long run your son will need to be able to separate from you (kindergarten comes around sooner than you think!) and it will help both him and you to develop some basis for independence. Taking the long view, it will be good to help your son learn a few of the coping skills he will need in the future and also allow you to resume some of your old routines and selfhood. I hope this doesnĖt sound too harsh; I greatly admire your energy and wish I had some of it!

One last thought. My daughterĖs Gymboree teacher gave all of us new moms an assignment when our babies were three months old. She told us to come back the next week with a report of something we had done just for ourselves, which had nothing to do with our babies or our families. Try doing that just once this week and see if it feels good! Please feel free to email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it and tell me what it is. IĖd like to know. Julie

DivaTribe thanks Julie Shields for sharing her time and insights with our audience!