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supporting a friend...
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February 11, 2012, 03:15:09 PM
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CorzLite919
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« on: February 25, 2010, 06:14:30 PM »

How can i be supportive of something that i don't support?

Long story short (or as short as i can possibly make it)-
My best friend is a young single mother of two (different fathers). We'll call her "K".  She likes a boy, we'll call him "W".
K and W met online about 8 years ago. They online dated on and off for about a year, getting together to actually "meet" only two or three times.  I was never a big fan of W to begin with, but he wasn't too bad at first. After about a year of online dating, K was going through a lot of personal issues and was in and out of psych hospitals a few times. W just couldnt handle everything going onwith K and broke up with her. After the breakup, W told K he actually had a "real girlfriend" the whole time anyway, and only talked to her when she wasn't around. K was devistated.

W continued to try to talk to K alot, telling her he loved her, etc. K had a baby with someone else but continued to talk to W regularly. She always still felt like she had feeling for him. They tried online dating several more times... but she always found out that he was pretty much always cheating on her. Each time this happend her world fell apart and i was always there to help pick up the  peices, over and over again. K hadf another baby with sojeone else.

W always talks down to K about her being a single mother, He also hacks into her online accounts like her e-mail and facebook... he writes mean/embarrasing things then changes her passwords so she cant get on to fix them. He always admits to her that he changes them and tells her what they are a few days later.

Personally I dont know why she still talks to him at all. In my opinion she should change her email, block his phone numbers and just forget him, but somehow she says she still has feelings for him. She says that she wantw to try giving him another chance and dating him again, but she  needs my support.  I want her to do whatever she thinks will make her happy;... she says hes changed, but i dont buy it. I dont want to tell her that i don't support her... but i just know this is going to end badly.

I guess i'm trying to figure out how to be a good/supportive friend, whithout really supporting the relationship. But like i sai we're best friends and i want her to be able to talk to me about whatevers going on in her life, and that's going to include him.  
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allinyc
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« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2010, 04:41:48 AM »

While I do believe she ultimately needs to make the decision of leaving him alone on her own, and in her time, I do feel that you being HONEST with her about what an a$$ he is (and worse!!!) may be what she needs to come to this decision quicker.

It also really sounds like she needs therapy and a women's support/empowerment group.
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HeatherH
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« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2010, 12:53:45 PM »

I assume "K" is still receiving some type of out-patient psych care, given her history?  Is that the case?
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Jen
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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2010, 08:55:30 AM »

I agree with Heather - clearly K has a lot more going on than you could possibly hope to fix.  Be honest with her, be her friend, but you don't have to support her poor choices.  You can tell her that, that you care about her but you can't support her self-destructive choices.  And if she has some severe issues to deal with that require(d) hospitalization, then you know this is a very big problem and not just about one boyfriend.
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CorzLite919
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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2010, 08:02:43 PM »

Thanks ladies.

K texted me today saying "W is an asshole, i found out he has a gf" ... it just seems like this happens every year or so. She knows she shouldnt  be with him.. then some time goes by and he tried talking to her again and she falls for his sweet talking ways again and believes him when he says he's changed.

She def does need some continuing psych treatment, but i don't think thats going to happen.

I just have to keep being there for her i guess. Its a shame, she really is one of the best friends i've ever had... but she's socially awkward, and making friends is hard for her... she craves the attention of men and does anything to get it.... i'm at a loss of what to do for her.
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LittleMiss
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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2010, 09:12:21 PM »

wow, this is a scary story. How many men out there are actually doing this ya know? I've been with my man for about 8 years and would die if I ever found this out! I myself could never give him another chance, especially if I knew for sure he'd slept with someone else. Not saying they were sexually involved but if she claimed to be in love, he apparently wasn't and is just using her for when he's bored, alone whatever his lame excuse may be! I think all men are dogs in some sort or fashion!!

I agree with Jen and I'd add that you don't have to stand by her side and hold her hand through the relationship. Tell her, "I am your friend, we can speak on any topics, do anything you want, but I will not hear nor speak of W for any reason whatsoever". I bet she'd think twice in the long run!
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