My Mother is trying too hard to be a "cool" Grandparent, and has completely overstepped the boundaries, and put DH and I in a really bad position.

Last year, 14 yr old DS had an Air Soft Pistol. We let him have it, but we had clear rules of when, and how he was to use it. He screwed up, took it off our property, and it was confiscated by the police. That was the end of that! We told him he could never have another one until he could prove he was responsible and mature enough to handle it.

As far as DH and I are concerned, that day has not come yet. Yesterday, I was running the sweeper, and it sounded like a popcorn machine. I realized I had just vacuumed up a bunch of Air Soft Pellets.... Hmmm... Where did they come from?

So, DH goes up and looks around DS's room. There are pellets all over the floor, and a plastic storage bin shot to hell and back... And, low and behold, there is a Fully Automatic Electric Charged Air Soft Gun - laying on the bottom shelf of his desk - where any of the 103 younger kids who are here every day could have easily gotton hold of it.

You have to be 18 to buy them, so we assumed that he had bought it off of a friend. Then, I am on the phone with my Mom, telling her the story, and she says: "Well, what is the problem with him having one? I mean, it's just a toy." Seriously?!?!?! They are NOT just toys! 8 yr old DS could have lost an eye a few weeks ago when one of the older kids "accidently" shot him! There is a REASON you have to be 18 to buy them!

Then it dawned on me! I said "OMG! YOU bought it for him didn't you?" She would not answer me, but it was obvious. I am so pissed!

That was in our house, for over a week, and we had no idea! If one of the younger boys had shot themselves, or someone else, it could have been catastrophic.

She actually had the nerve to defend herself, and tell me that I am "too controlling." I could not even believe that I had to give my own Mother a lecture about honesty, and responsibility.

What I am most angry about is the deceitfulness. DH and I try very hard to teach the boys to be honest, and here she is, going behind our backs, and encouraging him to be dishonest with us! that is so wrong! He is 14, and needs guidance, not lessons in manipulation and sneaky behavior!

She still would not admit that what she did is wrong. So, I told her I could not talk to her about it anymore and hung up.

This is so ridiculous. I cannot even trust her with DS now. This is not the first time she has gone behind my back, but it is the last.

   I don't even know what to say. I would be beyond furious.  Are you going to address it with him? What are you even going to say besides she went against your wishes and you disagree----is it wrong to ground him for going along with it knowing how you and your DH already felt about the issue?

well, I think they are both responsible... DS knew how you felt about it...did grandma? In any case, whenever something is involved that DS cannot legally obtain by himself, grandma should check with you first before giving it to him.

I would sit them both down and tell them you are disappointed and, to verify any gifts with you BEFOREHAND in the future.

Not really... She admitted to DS that she was wrong. But, she could never say those words to me. She specializes in denial and  sweeping things under the rug. As dysfunctional as it is, that seems to be the only way our family can maintain some sort of peace.

She went with my sister on a business trip, to see some old friends, for a week, and when she got back, she acted like the whole thing had never happened. I don't WANT to be mad at my Mom - but I can't HELP it... 

We all met for lunch when they got back, and I was cordial. Now, my Mom is sick in the hospital, and everything changes...