I'm tryng to be okay with the friendship my SO has at work with one of the girls, but it's not easy.  I just find myself islolating and becming distant.

I feel like I have to compete and I REFUSE to compete with another woman for the affection and attention of my SO.  I know it's not really a competition... his frienship with her is separate from his relationship with me.  I feel a little threatened because he told me he can talk to her about things when he and I would just argue about it.  I'm really trying to not argue about things at all and be more understanding when we discuss potentially "hot" topics.

I just feel (can't prove) that he is getting his emotional needs met by her even though he says he doesn't talk to her anymore.  He was so adament though to keep her as a close friend when I questioned him and discovered it (he never told me they were friends at all, I learned through people at work that he was spending alot of time at her desk).

I'm trying so hard to NOT be insecure, jealous or controlling... but with that I am becoming withdrawn and quiet!

Thanks for the reply, Jen.  No he doesn't have a history of cheating and he's actually quite wonderful.  Yes, in the June goals post I wrote about this.  I do trust him so this is all for me to claim as my own.  I guess if she was more friendly towards me I'd feel better about the whole thing.  She only speaks to me if i speak first.

Oh she knows it's because of me... which is why she emailed him and said he's whipped.  What sort of friend says that?  Anyway, when this all came out I expected her to come and clear things up, but SO said "she won't".  So *I* went to her and talked about it    But I feel it should have been her since *I* was the one uncomfortable.  Instead she caused this big scene in the hallway saying "I don't need this sh!t". 

She is friendly when I talk to her, but why do *I* always have to be the one to initiate?  I don't do it anymore so she doesn't say anything to me... even as she walks past my desk to bring MY SO a sandwich.

I just try to remember that she is 20 something and I'm 40.  She is very immature and doesn't speak first to anyone unless they have a penis.

And if my SO was so adament about keeping this friendship because "nothing is going on and you have to trust me"... why is it suddenly NOT a friendship?  He didn't care about my feelings when I brought them up to him so why stop it now?  My feelings are, it's just hidden from me more. 

Sorry to rant on and on.  It seems the more I try not to be the contolling, friend picking girlfriend... the more I become distant and unloving. 

I know she doesn't get attention at home from her DH.  She is absolutely miserable with her DH.  He doesn't lift a finger and she has to cater to him and he cheats repeatedly.

So I do think she's craving the attention of the men for that reason, which I find very dangerous.  I think she might mis-interpret friends as something more.  KWIM?


Which is why I'm trying so hard to not try to control who SO is friends with even though it bothers me.  I trust him and I have to trust that he'll make the right decision if she mistakes his friendship as something more.

I don't know... I just don't think I'd be doing some of the things she does in front of someone's girlfriend... and then ignore the girlfriend.

Yes, we all work in the same office.      SO and I work directly next to each other with only a half wall between us (how ironic since I have walls up internally as well lately).  I'm trying so hard to find a job outside this agency, but then I will wonder if she's upping her "friendship" with him since I heard she was camped out in his office last month when I was out for a few days for my grandmother's last days on Earth.

Should I be worried if she feels it necessary to feed him when he doesn't bring his breakfast/lunch when I'm right here?  Especially since *I* also didn't have breakfast/lunch.  I would love to say something, but then I look like the jealous, insecure girlfriend and she'll keep telling him he's whipped.    If I ignore it, will it escalate or die of natural causes?

I really have no idea how to feel or handle this situation.

You're right.  And I know I have to trust him, but it's hard when I was cheated on repeatedly in my last marriage (and I know SO is NOT my xH so I can't punish him for the ex's actions).


He did say that she listened to him when he needed to vent about the situation with his s2bxw, which he needed because he and I would argue about it more than not (because I don't agree with how he was/is handling things... his bad decisions today will affect us in the future but he doesn't seem to care).

I am trying to listen more and not try to interject MY thoughts or opinions.  I feel like I can't talk to him now and I need to find my own 20 something "ear".   

I guess my SO is a member of the clueless club.  I'm sure he didn't know how I would react to the whole thing so he didn't even talk about it until I brought it up.  In my eyes, he handled it much different than I would have.  I'm trying not to say he handled it wrong, which is my first impression, but *I* would have told her that "we" didn't bring our breakfast when it came up in conversation.  I think for what ever reason he doesn't include me... he doesnt say "we".  It just comes natural to me that I immediately say "we" in conversations with people.

I know he is frustrated with me over this because it's nothing in his eyes.  He thinks it's okay that she ignores me because "that's just how she is", "she doesn't like female friends". 

I'm just expected to accept the friendship because it's innocent, but why isn't she expected to make an effort to at least say hello when she walks past my desk and into HIS office to give him food?

I've read tons of self help books to include some of the boundaries books when I was married to my cheating exDH. 

This is really hitting me hard because my ex had a thing with  a girl at his work and it started this same way.  SO keeps telling me "I'm NOT your ex, I'm not going to cheat".  And I do believe that for the most part. 

He is doing so much better at not thinking this friendship is worthy of losing our relationship.  He said he was adament because I demanded he not be friends with her and that made him mad.  I agree I didn't go about it the right way, but he told me the friendship was "close" and I needed to accept it because he wasn't doing anything wrong.

He now sees just how detrimental this all is to me.  He sees how she is over stepping boundaries and how that affects me.  We've talked about the whole sandwich thing and how he could have prevented it by letting her know that "we" didn't have any breakfast rather than "he" didn't.  With this girl, I think it would be helpful if he used "we" alot more if he does have a chat with her during a day.  She needs to be reminded that I am a part of him and I won't be going away any time soon.

I was doing really good until I saw them chatting.  Just something snapped in me and I can't shake this.

It shouldn't have taken tears to get my SO's attention in all this, but he's really coming around.  He's starting to see her for the attention craver she is. 

We have a new guy in the office and she made a comment to my SO that she likes him (he works for my SO) so we shall see her pattern turning to him.  The bad thing is... I can see directly into this guys office and I will hate watching her flirt and flaunt all over him and hang in his office.  I've known this guy for many years and he's married.  She shouldn't be doing these things, but at least maybe she won't be so attentive to my SO